I have been having them. For so long I have been certain about so many things and now. now I am not.

I can be happy knowing that these feelings are not coming from an irratonal place. If anything, thanks to landmark, i am more ratonal than ever. These uncertainties are me realizing that everything that i thought was ok, is really not healthy for me and my child.

I feel i am constantly walking on eggshells because Erick is going to be upset about something, anything. I cant really tell you what is going to set him off. But it seems like no matter what i do or say or what really is in my control or not, i am being punished or guilted for them. I am so tired of the guilt trips. The guilt trip RV stops here forever.

Its so frusterating because Il ove him. so very much. so many wonderful qualities that make up our relationship. but the day to day is not generally happy anymore.  no matter how much i wish it was. it's not.

being punished for things out of my control.

This has become a habit lately. 

It's been crazy.

since my last entry, i have gotten a temporary crown put in my mouth.

Asia fell at school and fractured her wrist. She is fine, she just needs a brace to protect her bone. I found myself being scared that the hospital would think I did it, eventhough it happened at school. Sad the thing that go through your head when people are accusing you of thing you didn't do.

We went to the Organic pumpkin patch at Mount Sai. This had become our family tradition. I love it.

Let's see, what else? I had a migraine that lasted two days.. that sucked...

anything good? well i have spent alot of time with my family who i love. I go to the Landmark Forum this weekend. i am excited about that. Saw a great play the other night. I went to a fabulous cooking class about Italian Soups.

i have more details... just no time...

Well asia seems to be feeling better, so that is good... i just took out a bunch of frozen food out of the freezer and now my hands are soooo col, it's hard to type I mean it always hard to type but this time i am going MUCH slower...

After i started the diet a couple weeks ago I go REALLY sick. I was feeling nauseos and then I started puking. I thought maybe I had the flu or food poisoning or something but I had no fever or any other symptom that woud indicate those things. Just nausea.. No I am not pregnant... cause that is what everybody always thinks. The nausea didn't completely go away either.. when I get hungry, even if I ate within the last couple hours I feel queasy or sick to my stomache. I decided to not pursue the diet until I spoke with my new rhuematologist.

Yesterday went ok. He recognized that some of my sypmtoms were not FM. Which is what i thought. I have raging night sweats, almost every night. I wake up and my skin is slick, or my clothes are damp. This has been happening for over 2 years A while back I went to my doctor and had my thyroid, adrenals, blood sugar, everything that might cause night sweats everything tested. Everything turned up negative. 3 weeks ago before I started the restricted diet i had myself tested for diabetes before i cut off all the sugar, just in case. and the nausea is off too... who knows maybe I have something else... They took a bunch of blood and gave me some mild painkiller, cause they want me to start working out and currently I am in too much pain to do anything besides walk. 

so maybe geting me to be sweat free will make my sleep better and I wont be exhausted all the time, which wll help with my pain so i can excercise and be strong and be in less pain. He made it very clear, I will ever be pain free.. which i figured, but anything is better than what i have been going through. My  whole body is radiating in pain right now.. i haven't done shit.. 

i am so frustrated this morning.... trying to find that balance between what i can do for my child and what my child wants me to do for her. She wants me to protect and to fight for her. Her issues. And that is my job and I am happy to do it. I have done it. But ever since my last email conversation with her father i am less willing to do it. I need to teach her to be assertive in her own life matters i think... but it's hard. she is so young. I feel i need to fight her battles still.

a couple months ago, she unloaded on me. A laundry list of issues that she had against her father and step mother in san diego. i asked her, " Do you want me to e mail your dad for you you?" and she said yes. It took me weeks to write it, mostly becasue i was concerned with the overall tone of the email. i didnt want to be condesending. But some of the things her dad and silvia had done were so stupid, i couldn't help but wonder where the hell there head is at in all of this.

So i wrote the email. I even had asia read the email that i sent so she would know that what i was communicating to her father. We have a very open and honest relationship with her and we are SO CLOSE, in many ways, that 7 year old is my best friend. She read it and said it was acceptable.

the response was horrible and disgusting. Silvia only made excuses for the situations, and then told me i was never to direct any issues to her, I had to direct them to asia's father. Eventhough the only reason I involved her in the first place was because the situation directly involved her. And the response i received from her father was the worst ever. It was the response of a scared, dead beat dad that would do anything not to pay child support. He brought up stuff that had nothing to do with the situation i had brought to him. Instead telling me how i left him in debt (FYI I stayed home for year to raise our daughter) and contrived information about how he had her more than i did, so I would have to pay back child support to him. Which.. hello? Our divorce has been final for some years, and there is nothing legally documented. He then accused me of brainwashing our child to pick me. The only reason she has ever told him she chose to stay in seattle were because of her best friend Deja, her school, and tsunamis. i supposedly told her about tsunami's to scare her from living on the beach..LOL. When the ONLY conversation I have ever had with her about tsunami's was after we had watched a dicovery channel special on them. She asked me some questions regarding them, and that was the end of it. I never said that it should  be a reason for her to live with me and not her dad. I have never said anything like that to her. Did it ever occur to him that she was to acred to hurt his feelings to tell him that she just plain likes it better up here? Of course it didn't because he doesn't know Asia, notlike i do.  he then said if i fight fo custody and child support with him then he would/could have his older daughter Mickayla testify in court that I was abusive toward her. Apparently she remembers me HITTING her. I haven't even seen this child since she was 3 years old, she is nine years old now. SLANDER. I dont't even spank my own child. much less HITTING some one elses...

There is more to the email. i didnt even dignify his ridiculousness with a response. (I am sure one day i will post them cause i know no one here reads my shit.)And reading all that, didnt make me feel like i had lost all hope. It made me angry. I only want to prove his allegations wrong.

why am I spewing this all out? Cause once again Asia has something else she is upset with regarding her father and I know she wants me to have her back and stand up for her. But obviously, from the reponse of his email, communication is out of the question.

Poor thing, has so many things she is angry inside about. Christmas last year, he told me at first he would not be able to buy her presents, and then at the last minute he sent stuff. While there were some pretty cute stuff, he sent her 2 left shoes that were 2 very different sizes, he sent her pants with a torn belt loop. And when I went to the Vans store to return her shoes, the shoes models were so out of date the store had no idea how they had been recently purchased. We went to the Gap to exchange her pants and they said we had to go tothe outlet over an hour away from our house to exchange them and they said they were not 100% that we could once we got there. It made me sad. Her father couldn't even put actual thought into her gifts, and it was obvious to me that he had one of his contacts at the Carlsbad Outlet mall hook him up. SAD. I mean yes, once upon a time i had those same contacts. But i have since outgrown the "hook-up" i am perfectly happy buying my own clothes/my child's clothes and not stealing them or getting hooked for them.

her dad didn't even call her on her birthday. she cried all night on her birthday because of this.

 I told her that she needs to stand up for herself and tell her dad all the things she is mad about, That it is too hard for me to do now, that i have been accused of so many things because of me trying to protect her.

I am out of time now, but this issue will be brought up again.... damm i still need to write about my doctor's appt. yesterday...

i have been waiting for today... I see my new Rhuematologist today. First one i have seen since i was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few years back.. since then i have seen chiropractors, acupuncturist, energy therapists, massage therapist, most anyone that might be able to help with my ailments. The constant pain I am in.

Truthfully I am scared. My disease has progressed quite a bit in the last couple years. before when it was just aches and pains, I would maybe have two days out of the year where i would be completely put out by the pain. That means pain and stiffness so bad that i could not function at work or as a human being. I would just lay in bed in miserable pain all day.

Now, well it is  different. My fine motor skills are are slowly deteriorating. I cant pick up a pencil sometimes, much less a paper clip. i have been in constant pain for over a month at this point. Sharp pains down my arm and legs. shoulder pain. My hands hurt, I can't write. I would be walking down the street and then my leg would go numb while I am walking.Pins and needles all up my arms and legs into my hands and feet. I walk aroung in a daze cause i am trying to block out the pain. And two days out of the year? I have been out like a week in the last month. I have been constantly exhausted for a few months now. No matter how much rest i do get, I am so tired. I have night sweats as if I am going through menopause. The thing that scares me the most? My brain would tell my hand to do one thing, like pick up a pen, and then my hand would contort, as if it were cramped, into a postion that I was not intending.

All this makes me think... Is this really fibromyalgia? Or maybe it is something much worse... So today, my new doctor. I have asked them to completely rediagnose me. And then see where i stand. I am sure this entails a lot of blood tests..  I hate having my blood drawn, but at this point, that is the least of my concerns.

What am I scared of? a worse diagnosis... lupus, R.A..... or maybe something worse..

I am only 29 years old. I haven't been able to pick up my 7 year old daughter in years. I want more children someday.. will my body be able to handle that? I feel so much of my life has been taken from me already.

*sigh*

some people want to be there to be there.

but some people want to be there for the recognition of being there. Like they want everyone to know what they have done, or name drop...
...and to me that cheapens being there at all..

I feel like I have been saying goodbye to so many things in my life lately. I blame the autumn and all the transition that comes along with it. A few weeks back I said good bye to a good friend as she moved to NYC to make her dreams come true. and then i said goodbye to my Myspace account (one less addiction), and now i say goodbye (at least temporarily) to sugar. Not just sugar but anything that turns into sugar within my body. No fruit, no carbs, no booze, no chocolate, even certain vegetables and herbs, sweets, no ice cream, doughnuts, bread etc etc etc. i can't even use botanicals in my skincare... =(

all this for a worthy cause , i hope... to heal. to be a functioning person of this world that hopefully wont have to live every day in extreme pain. but more about that later...

It's monday... a day I am never really okay with... I love to sleep too much. blast the monday. I hope this week goes by quickly...