In a recent discussion with another music fan, I was bewildered by the other's attempt to bestow what he called "bonus points" on the band Slayer.  His argument was that Slayer was still, to this day, not only "kick ass" but that they also earned two bonus points for being anti-Christian.  I had a hard time agreeing that the religion of the band had anything to do with the kick-ass-ness of their music; I also had a problem with the concept of the bonus points themselves.

Was he not aware of the the important recent developments in the "Laws of Musical Discussion"?  I had to enlighten him during our talk and, because I think more people might be unaware of these recent developments, I will attempt to enlighten you as well.

The following is an excerpt from an article which originally appreared in the most recent edition of "Cock and Roll Magazine", a bi-decadal music journal for the idiotic and tone deaf.  Hopefully it will shed some light on the subject.

"The giving of bonus points to bands is no longer legally allowed in the discussion of music. This decision was officially enacted in early 2006 when a 14 year old British girl attempted to give the band Cradle of Filth "3 million thousand hundred" bonus points because Dani Filth (the singer) was a "glowing ember of beautifully tainted asshole-meat".

"Not only was the amount of bonus points an imaginary number but the validity of her claim was also under intense scrutiny. Try as she might, she could not sufficiently prove that he glowed.

"Shortly after this bonus point attempt, an emergency international music session was called and, by decree, all future attempts at bonus points were to be considered null and void. Now, bands are only allowed to be ranked using the Official Points System of Iceland (OPSI)."

Example
Bjork = 110 points
"Old" Slayer (1983-1988) = 89 points
"New" Slayer (1989-present) = 66 points
"New" Metallica (1991-present) = 6 points

So, as you can see by the above diagram, even if one were allowed to use the two bonus points my musical acquaintance attempted to bestow upon Slayer, they would still fail to achieve the 70 points needed to be considered "Kick Ass"™.

I was once tasked by a great friend to come up with original ways of describing someone's ugliness.  I did not hesitate and jumped on that opportunity without a second thought.  Since this friend is extremely ugly, he turned out to be a great inspiration.

Describing someone's beauty, done properly, can make wonderful poetry.  Describing someone's lack of beauty, done properly, can make me laugh my ass off. 

Here are a few examples of my attempts at descriptions of ugliness.  Feel free to add your own.

"That's what happens when your ears clap!"

"It looks like he got hit with a pitch during a game of zit-ball."

"It looks like someone is trying to grow a hairstyle in an ugly-pot."

"She looks like she is birthing a neck-turd."

"Her windpipe shat forth a retard bone."

"That's what happens when your DNA doesn't pay attention in 'Pretty Class'."

"It looks like his forehead took a shit."

"It looks like he tried to pop a zit but accidently popped everything else."

"If I was a cannibal, I would use her asshole to season her face."

"Where is the other half of that person's looks?"

"That's what blind people imagine plaid looks like."

"She looks like she got stung by a tank."

"Her face makes babies think of falling."

"She looks like poor people feel at christmas."

"That guy's face looks haunted."

"Doesn't that chick remind you of not being horny?"

"That woman looks like she sprained her face."

"It looks like her tongue is in jail."

"Daddy, look!  That man is made of tubes." (I'm not sure what that one means but he must be very ugly to warrant this response.)

"That girl's face makes me thirsty."

"Mr. Potatohead is real?  He's better looking as a toy."

"Holy shit!  What the fuck is in that kid's hat?"

"Your mother's vagina must have had stalactites."

"He resembles a Venus Shit-Trap™."

"Is that the Hunchface of Notre Dame?"

Attention idiots of the Earth,

I come bearing news from the underworld!  Satan, the almighty lord of jean jackets and fine wine, requests your presence in Hell for a party; the likes of which have not been seen since the last party that people had not seen the likes of. 

Please BYOS (Bring Your Own Soul).

The purpose of this infernal shin-dig is to solidify your allegience to quality footwear, sparkly gemstones, and the Unholy Lord of Torment and Eternal Waking Nightmares.

When you arrive, please hang your soul neatly on the soul-rack located next to the Adolf Hitler Memorial Anus Stretcher.  We will send your spirits out to be dry-cleaned and pressed.  Don't worry, you will get them back at the conclusion of the party (or the end of time; whichever comes second).

Lastly, please bring a gift for your gracious host.  He enjoys antiques, pork, dead letters, saltwater taffy, and small pointy things with attachments.  If you decide to bring a small pointy thing, please do not connect the attachments as this will anger Lord Satan.  He is fond of connecting the attachments himself.

Please RSVP by punching yourself in the face until your knuckles crumble...then begin slapping.

The following is a list of products I have unsuccessfully tried to market.  These are all wonderful ideas but for some odd reason they just never caught on.  Let me know if you are interested in purchasing any of these. 

SPF 666 "God-Block"

Eye Candles - Now you can see in the dark...the old fashioned way!

Fingernail Remover

Spring Loaded Ankle Crushers - The hideable neighborhood prank.

Pizza Maps - The edible way around town!

Dream Caskets - For all those pesky goals you never attained.

Cotton Dogs - A pet for the handicapped.

Shards Cereal - Won't get soggy in milk or acid!

Concrete Snow Flakes - Hand carved and ready to dazzle.

Clown Remover - Because life is enough of a circus!

Liquid Scream - Caution: Do not apply to most babies.

Camoflaged Forest Recorder - Yes, trees make sound when they fall and no one's around to hear it. Now you can prove it to your stupid whore wife.

Hydrogen Filled Zeppelins - Lighter than shit, hotter than hell.

God - An eternal party awaits the boring!

Peehole Soap Sticklets - Insert, twist, and scream away the grime.

Cock for Kids!  (No longer available.  Although this product was very popular with the Christian Ministry, apparently it is illegal.)

Liquid Ice - Get your drink back to room temperature the natural way.

Anchovie Gum - So good you'll swear it's real dead fish. Or you'll just swear. Either way, you're gonna say "fuck".

Aerosol Nose Bleed - This product has no known purpose. Use with extreme indifference.

Thought Eaters - Turn on and tune out.

Cleat Sandals - Play soccer like Jesus.

Designer Nooses - Commit suicide like the movie stars!

Coconut flavored strawberries - A new twist on an old taste.

Pie Destroyer - Eliminates pie while you lose weight.

Porcupine Corks (or Corkupines) - Finally! Porcupines are huggable again!

The Diaper Shovel - We're not sure how to market this. We're actually not even sure what it is. Buy one.

Dream Catcher's Mitt - Strike out a batter and steal his nightmares all at the same time! Warning: Mitt may leak causing extreme terror and, possibly, a temporary disruption of game.

Waffle Spackle - Turns waffles into pancakes in 2 short hours. I'm having fun for breakfast!

A scientific study done at Manatee Community College has shown that kissed wounds heal at a far faster rate than un-kissed ones.

"This is an amazing finding", said a guy who was standing next to me when I found this out. The source would not go on to elaborate, stating that he was late for a thing where he was going to ask a guy something about a lobster.

The study, done under intensely hard-to-understand laboratory guidelines, involved the use of 50 human subjects. The subjects, all volunteers, were between the ages 3 and 5 to minimize the possibility of someone caring should things go horribly, horribly wrong.

The test subjects were each given a wound ranging from "ooh, that's gotta sting" to "Oh, dear Baby Jesus, please terminate my eyesight so that I may never again behold the disaster that lies before me."

At this point, a woman would be released into the room to place a single kiss onto the wounds of three children that she would choose at random. The other 47 subjects would remain kiss-less and ignored. All 50 volunteers would receive no further medical treatment other than being poked occasionally to determine success.

The study went on to say some things about some other stuff but I forget what it was. It had to do with the results, the name of a machine that broke during the testing phase and something else about a civil lawsuit. I'm not sure if any of it was important. I probably would have remembered if it was.

I received this survey by email.  I filled it out and decided to post it on my blog so people I don't give a shit about can learn more about me. 

Enjoy.

1. What is your occupation?
I test hammers.

2. What color is your underwear?
Which part?

3. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of millions of voices crying out in pain and then being suddenly silenced.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
3.14

5. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
I wouldn't know because I wouldn't have fuckin' eyes, asshole!

6. How is the weather right now?
Delicious

7. What kind of music do you like to listen to?
It "gots ta" have a good beat and some "fresh ass" lyrics. Humans do not need to touch the instruments. They might mess it up.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
The police. Something about being a witness to a crime in which millions of voices cried out in pain and were suddenly silenced.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I liked him better when he was fat.

10. How old are you today?
Younger than Dale will always be.

11. Favorite drink?
The tears of a clown. Smokey, you were on to something. Don't they taste funny?

12. Favorite sport to watch?
The running of the ticks.

13. Have you ever dyed your hair?
No, but I've farted into a bubble maker. Who's cooler, now?

14. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
I have two wooden eyes.

15. Pets?
Sea monkeys are really BRINE SHRIMP! Tell the world! Stop the lies!

16. Favorite month?
Maypril or Septober.

17. Favorite food ?
The salt residue created when the tears of a clown are boiled away into oblivion.

18. Last movie watched?
Smokey Robinson: Clown Eater and Life Taker.

19. Favorite day of the year?
Tomorrow.

20. What do you do to vent anger?
I scream at a star.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Spring Loaded Ankle Crushers-The Hideable Neighborhood Prank.

22. Hugs or kisses?
Depends on which part of the penis you are talking about.

23. Do you want your friends to email you back?
Only the ones I like.

24. Who is most likely to respond?
The ones I hate.

25. Who is least likely to respond?
John Lennon.

26. Living arrangements?
Breath, Eat, Drink, Piss, Poop. Life is taking FOREVER!

27. When was the last time you cried?
While typing the answer to number 26.

28. What's on the floor of your closet?
The husk of a Cub Scout.

29. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Dale Clontz, my Ambassador to Jesus.

30. What did you do last night?
Mopped the floor of my closet.

31. What inspires you?
Being able to beat up a Praying Mantis. They have a style of Kung-Fu named after them and I can still knock them out with a single punch to the bug-face.

32. What are you afraid of?
Spicy Hamburgers

33. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
OH MY GOD!!!! HELP ME!!! THE IRONY!!!!

34. How many cities have you lived in?
At once? Three.

35. What do you miss most about high school?
The murderous rampages of the goth kids.