Why is it when people try to help they just make things worse? From a pretty average day it has been reduced to a farce.  Thanks for helping dude but next time don't bother. I AM SODDING CAPABLE OF HELPING MY GOD DAMN SELF!  AAAAAAAaaaaaaaah!  I should blame myself from accepting (although it was practically forced upon me) help from a flipping retarded son-of-a-bitch. Enduring drunken indecent proposals akin to an offer of rape is not my idea of fun.  Dickheads!

Why does everything become distorted after a sleepless night.  Must be all those things I'm meant to do the following day methinks that prey on my tiny mind.  I can't help but wonder if the arbitary pursuit of consumption fills certain voids for everyone.  When contentment hits, it's odd how you no longer care about these silly meaningless endeavours.  recently I have found myself shocked at how you can say something so innocent or make an innocent observation and it is blown out of all proportion.  Is this really neccessary?  The fact the ripple effect exists means that everything has a consequence, albeit again arbitary.  Even hedonistic pursuits seem to turn into a performing circus for all.  Who can be the funniest?  Who is the most attractive?  Who is the life and soul of the party?  Who has the best piece of gossip?  It's a game of trumps.  Well I don't want to play but have to admit sometimes I get sucked in.  I am however not afraid to admit, I am boring am no great beauty.  What constitutes someone to be interesting and beautiful?  What we have been indoctrinated into believing.  As far as I can tell everyone has beautiful qualities and the fact you get to see the stimulation and experiences they are subject to is of interest in itself. They are not a means to an end. My endeavour is to try to keep in mind what lays outside of the box, to battle the numerous ways I have been indoctrinated and to try to recognise when I am heading for disaster and when I am heading for pure pleasure.  Things are bigger than little ole me, I am glad that I still can see that it is less about myself and more about the examination of the entire experiment.

I didn't have a juvenile night but I had a fucking good night all curtesy of sweetiepie chez. she is my bar and if she sells out i will be done for. I love that bitch. mwah mwah mwah

A friend of mine told me how she would love to have children, settle down etc etc today.  'Don't you want children?' she said. 'No way!' I exclaimed in absolute horror feeling the bile rise to my throat.  Thankfully my throat was constricting in fear at the very thought, handy as it stopped the vomit in it's path.  She was shocked at my rather dramatic response.  I preceeded to explain to her that the entire pregnancy thing freaks me right out.  How anyone can want something so 'alien' to happen to them I don't know!? Jeez i mean imagine a worm wiggling under your skin. *gag* That is how I view pregnancy.  Yuck!  Not only does something live and grow inside you but it then rips it's way out.  How bloody awful!  It's terrifying and way way way way way way way way way creepy.  If I ever get myself into one of those situations I have asked her to induce a coma.  Otherwise I will probably develop some sort of split personality or body dismorphia thingy to cope with it. (Although contraception is a way of life, hardly surprising when you believe without it, it could lead you into 'Alienesque' waters) People always are terrifyed of the responsibility of a child.  Not me I would love to be responsible for moulding another human being, I mean the power......now that's a project.  But the pregnancy........that's another story.  The last person I knew that was pregnant found it odd I couldn't bear to look at their stomach.  I think she was also offended, as when she made me touch her stomach I gagged.

Now I am on the wrong side of 25 I have decided to set the wheels in motion to reverse this tragedy.  It can be argued that I have been trying to turn back time since I turned 20...........yep this is when I first started using anti-aging creams.  You may argue they don't work but I was only told yesterday that I look like I'm 22 and today I was told I look like I'm 20, albeit by someone who had a ahem hidden agenda.  (I won't be satisfied until someone says I look like I'm twelve but i won't be holding my breathe on that one) At least I haven't lost those charms yet.....  And I been smoking for 11 years. Not bad. Shockingly I don't have superman's powers so I cannot fly into outerspace and turn back time.  Nor would I want to. So instead I have resigned myself to relieve my formative years (mine were between 14-17). Why am I so pre-occupied with this? Because procrastinating is a way of life for me.  I treat life in a relaxed fashion.  Whilst many of my friends are settling down and hunting down careers all I care about is having a bloody good time (though at times it can be hard to hunt one down).  Those sort of concerns are not even on my radar.  I mean who want's to settle down? or pursue a career path in a dogged fashion? Not me.  I'd much rather think about what I'm going to wear tomorrow or agonise over which book I should read next or which concert or musical I'm going to.  I'm making plans to go a cheese festival and spend a week going out (yep not a solitary night or a weekend but an entire week pursuing hedonistic activities v v late at night) whilst others are busy looking at decor schemes......or whatever 'adult' stuff they enjoy.  Well not me. I won't get sucked in, ever (unless it's an anti-aging cream).  Maybe I knew at 20 I would be 1000000 step behind my peers.  The way I see it?  I have more than enough years to do 'adult' stuff.  If I partake in it now then what will there be left for me later? Just mundane days that merge into one methinks.  Hence I'm taking positive action........the plan? To be as juvenile as possible.  It's a good plan.  A very good plan.  Afterall a friend of mine informed me that the 30s are now the new 20s.  I like this way their mind works..........that means I might as well be 16! Yay!

I watched the best episode of 'Cheaters' ever! It blew my fracking mind! Okay, so this dumpy woman thought her boyfriend was cheating on her.......cue Joey from cheaters investigates.  Have to say Joey must be the best thing about the show.  What a fracking comedian, Cheater: 'Get out of my face! I said get out of my FACE!'  Joey: 'I'm not in your face, I'm behind you.'  Note the Cheater's hysteria and crazed anger. Note Joey's calm, logical response.  Joey's social skills and seriousness in the face of ricidulousness remind me of ....ahem the home-schooled (get the picture).  Any-hoo, so as per usual the 'suspect' is cheating on the 'complainant'.  In fitting style Joey brings the dumpy 'complainant' to a carpark somewhere to view the cheating footage evidence on some small crappy video cam.  After she sees this he opportunistically (obviously masked by a altruistic, caring, justice-seeking facade) asks her if she wants to confront her boyfriend.....of course she does.  They go to the hotel where the boyfriend is in the act of cheating (thank-you concurrent surveillance).  What do they (dumpy girlfriend, Joey and rest of cheaters crew) see when they walk into the hotel room?  The boyfriend is on all fours on the bed, wearing a GIMP MASK with nothing but some tiny briefs on being FLOGGED by a tall AFRICAN MAN DRESSED AS A WOMAN DOMINATRIX.........could it be any worse?  Bloody amazing!  Not as amazing as the Jerry Springer episode I stumbled upon later on.......a brother and sister (NOT HALF, STEP OR ADOPTED) used to have sex and now the brother wanted his sister ahem back, cue trailers, nudity, a one-armed man with a plaited pontail.  Question: How does a one-armed man plait his hair? Cue hysterics in the household. 

Today I went to the wedding of a person who is more than a friend, she is like a sister.  I cut her toe nails, go with her to get her bits waxed (no really, she asks me if it erm looks pretty), hatch hair-brainned schemes, argue, finish each others sentences, communicate with just a look .....(I could go on).

My actual sis made us late and I thought I would miss the wedding.  It was rainning heavily.  When we got there and I saw the bride to be I was overwhelmed with affection, happiness, pride to see what a beautiful woman she had grown into.  Honestly, until that moment I'd never really noticed.

I remember the time we were obsessed with patterned tights (about 11 years ago).  She would run over excitedly to show me yet another ridic purchase, 'I've got tights with hearts on them!' she'd say.....I would then reply with, 'well...I've got tights with christmas trees on!'  Or how about the time we went to a car auction and didn't know what the fuck we were doing?  Another delightful memory was when we were convinced we would understand and make a million on stocks and shares? Or when we were so bored we actually went to a neighbourhood watch meeting!  Not forgetting the time we thought we'd wrote a best-selling song.  And most recently her obsession with Antony Robbins (have to say haven't jumped on this band wagon yet). 

All those memories and more mingled into one when I saw her today.  My dear friend.  My grown-up, beautiful, fabulous friend.  Getting married.  Your a Mrs now!  OMG a Mrs for crying out loud!  You don't even have the same surname.

Although I think forever is not something that will happen to me, or necessarily want it to.  For her, it's perfect.  Forever friend be happy always, as happy as you were today.  Although childish days may be behind us, they are not forgotten.

It's unusual you want everything and more for someone else.  But for you dear girl I do.  May your new life be perfect.  May happiness befall you wherever you go and whatever you may wish to do.

What a day! A bloody good day!

Oooooooooo am in such a good mood.  Have meet my deadline...just!  I always do skin-of-the-teeth jobs even though I promise myself this time it'll be different.  Never is......well at least I'm consistent.

NB Consistency is not to be confused with boring...........although I can be.

Today there has been nothing that I can complain about.......no nothing.....really.  So is rather a marvellous day.  I'm not even bothered about the fact it rainned pretty much all day.

On that note before I remember something crappy.............

I am in the process of meeting a deadline which is highly unenjoyable.  The project in question is simply a means to an end, nothing more.  It is soooooooooo bloody tedious and laborious........................better get on with it then.

NB I'm not always angry and complainning although I do enjoy a good whinge.  Mother always said better out than in.  Also it is an art to beable to see the positive and negative elements in everything.

I am very lucky to know the people I do.  Although my previous entries would sometimes contradict this notion.

Sometimes you feel like your surrounded by idiots and if they all appear to be the idiots, then maybe it's not them that has the problem.......................

But then I see a shinning beacon to the rescue to restore my faith in humankind.

Some people were born to be little earth angels. (ignore any religious connotations pls) Angels that help you get through a rather mundane life and make everything appear to seem like christmas morning (strictly in a consumer sense not religious!).

Well thank you Angel hope I can see you soon.

Thank you for being you and shinning to remind me that all is not lost.

There is much work to do...........

Why can't I sleep? 

Even if I do it's only for a few hours.

I love sleeping...............

Am now going to try and catch a few elusive Zzzzzzzzzzzzs.

Come to mama you little shits.

Why does nobody seem to read/debate/protest anymore?

I find it rather depressing that people no longer want to read even fiction for fun.  I lurve telly watching however a good book can never be beaten.

I would have loved to live in France during the French Revolution.  All those visionaries all those ideas.  Everyone seemed to be brimming with political and philosophical ideas.

Although you try to surround yourself with like minded individuals it is rather difficult as not many people are interested in this sort of thing.  Kind of stunts your own growth as what's the point in having all these ideas without having someone to discuss them with?

I wish I could've minced around in France surround by, saturated by the amazing ideas that rocked the revolution.

The passion, the idealism, the conviction, the intellect, again the passion.......wonder what it would have been like to live in an era where apathy wasn't the norm? .  

Does anyone ever like monday mornings?  I am not workshy, far from it.  However I hate my job.  I loathe it with a passion. 

It is a place that makes you think of cruel tortures for Adam Smith and Henry Ford.   Although I'm not religious....if there is a 'hell' I hope they have front row seats.

Work is a place that stiffles individuality, forces conformity and pretence and most importantly exploits the shit out of you.  What's worse is that the gratitude is never a two-way street. 

The icing on the cake?  Being surrounded by and taking orders from individuals (bodies not personalities) who have the intellect of a twelve year old child. 

So I will will away the week and live for the weekend.  Shame really as on my death bed I'm going to want all these weeks back.....................and I ain't going to get em.

C'est la vie.

What is the problem with having a blog?  Why is it soooooooooo awful to want people to read your thoughts and stand behind what you think.  Is it soooooo distasteful to have your thoughts immortalised?  Is it so awful to be able to capture thoughts as you felt them? 

Why is it wrong to think about yourself in a positive fashion?

Jeez I apologise for not being self-deprecating!

Fracking hell! They make me sick.   

This is an organic process, it's spontaneous!

'I think therefore I am'

Well I think think think....shove that in your self-deprecating faces!

Judgemental dickheads.    

A friend of mine told me she would profile me, which would result in me discovering what sort of person I am.  I gamely agreed, although have to confess I know exactly what type of person I am and do not need anyone or thing to tell me or to reassure me. However, who can pass up the oportunity of talking about oneself.  Not me,  I have a blog for fuck sake and the sentence before this one is in the third person.....what more can I say.

So it turns out that whilst she is an extrovert, I am an introvert.  Obviously not in the conventional sense.  The question she asked was:

If you are in a group of people you don't know and are asked to brainstorm an idea, do you......

A) shout out answers within the group and bounce ideas off each other ,     OR

B) go away separately and compile a list and then come back and discuss these, each taking turns.

I chose (B).  She was a little perturbed as we did not have the same response and we can be quite similar.  She chose (A) because bouncing ideas off others help generate her own ideas, like prompts.  She likened herself to a 'solar panel', thus it is external stimuli that denotes how she responds. 

I chose B. Why?  Well... I firstly have more than enough confidence to know that whatever my responses may be I don't need prompting or reassurances from others.  My ego is of a generous proportion, reflected in my belief that I don't care whether my responses are along the lines of  thinking of the group.  Also when I go back to share my list I will have an attentive audience as opposed to trying to get heard over other responses, cutting off other people, and them doing the same to you and most importantly my ideas won't be lost.  They will get the attention they deserve regardless of whether the group agrees or disagrees with me. 

Thus apparently I am an introvert all my responses and ideas come from within.  Suffice to say I already knew this. 

I am what I am, make of it what you will.

I do regret chosing a salad over a juicy burger and fries, but after 'chocolate poisoning' at the weekend was terrified to indulge myself.....ever again.

I have to say my cup runeth over with affection when we reminised about past events that completely endeared her to me.  Who is totally adorable? Well sweetiepieC is my response, everyone should have one.  But alas only one to go around, so get in the queue.

She often gets into little muddles and scrapes........but quite gamely giggles about them later/during.  Thus am always thrilled to hear about the next one......not that I am hoping she gets into muddles of course!  Am always delighted to see her happy feet with or without little stories filled with mishaps.

So you peguin lover you, thanks for a cute lunch which only you can deliever. As per usual a 4 hour one. Yay!

SweetiepieCs in a store near you soon.  She doesn't know it but I stole a hair off her little head and will start the cloning process forth with. I am afterall a humanitarian.

So today I finally finished coming to terms with my battlestar galactica (updated series) addiction......only kidding.  I accepted that I am a sci-fi geek when I was 12.  Brave I know, it was a time when you could get stoned in the streets for such attributes..............and at the mere aged of 12.  Such character!  Even if I do say so myself.

Down with those that say peeps that enjoy these pursuits are asinine, juvenille individuals.  What do they know?  They obviously haven't any imagination or philosophical understandings!

If you believe the creators of the martrix never picked up a philosophy book you are sorely mistaken! Descartes would sue if he were alive.  All the current storylines in star trek are all based on either epistemology, metaphysics, ethics etc.  Read between the lines....if you are able.  Battlestar has the courage to be based around issues of terrorism, AI, progress and racism!  Bloody modern day George Orwells I say!

Keep your imagination alive..........however have to say beside Hans Solo being so shocking attractive, the star wars films are..ahem......crap.  Good for a laugh or a perve though.  Like farscape.........gosh Ben Browder was attractive and the character development was incredible.

It's not so hard to make friends, not hard at all.  It's just bothering to communicate when they are not in the same geographical location.  It's not that they are not important, if anything they are too important.  They restore my faith in the human race.  The fact that these people exist and crossed my path is amazing in itself.

The difficulty is when you are the queen of procrastination, tomorrow never comes.  Thus the email/call/txt/letter that you convince yourself you will send tomorrow never happens......

The amazing thing is when you put yourself out there (after I'm ashamed to say 3-4 years) and email them.....and they email back the next day!  Shit it sure gives you a warm fuzzy feeling. (this is after numerous calls you didn't pick up/return and unaswered txts).

Today everything is right with the world. 

I will email another neglected friend next week.......there are shamefully many.  Hey, at least this way I know which ones I really made an impression on. (always about me......so narcissistic)  Maybe I can re-create this amazing feeling every week for the next 12....

Now to liberate the vino inorder to celebrate and prolong this super feeling.

Sheeet am having trouble with the fact I'm now nearer to 30 than 20. 'Big deal' say friends who are 30+.

My problem is I don't really seemed to have grown since 15.  I have also diverted from the 'master plan' (everyone has one even if it is to bum around forever).  Diverted from? Who am I kidding?  The master plan is now a dot to me!

Here's hoping another year doesn't go by and I've still not really achieved anything substantial. (degree etc doesn't count it's all going through the motions, I'm talking about something character/life defining)

Who would have thought that life would be so 9-5?  Even if you don't intentionally sell out, you sell out regardless.  Still.......I could win the lottery and move to Seville.

See ever the optimist..........

Too much chocolate too little time.  Wondering if you can get chocolate poisoning? 

Distinct posibility.

If I eat this last egg will I have to buy a new wardrode?

Let's find out.

Living on the edge.

Let the path begin.....

My glass is mainly half full.....when I don't want to tip it over someone's head.

How can people survive in this world without having an opinion.  Is it just me or is apathy now a contagion spreading through the nations?

Yesterday a woman coughed on the bus and I nearly had a panic attack.  My brain for those few moments could only acknowledge one word, anthrax.  And I think I am too saavy to buy into the hype.....pah!  still better safe than sorry, gave the germy lady a wide berth.

Am I the only person awake?

Is my Fashion TV addiction wrong?

Is it right that a person I thought was a gem used my faux pas as her quote of the week on the net? and that she fucking named me?  (of course I'm too much of a lady to name her) And to think a few hours prior to finding this out I was dishing out advice to her!  One word, naive. Another two, fucking stupid.

So people, thoroughly investigate those who you let into the inner circle.....they may be imposters, betrayers, cruel mockers and scoffers.  Those that have access into the inner sanctum are worth their weight in diamonds (RJCP).  Suffice to say I will still stay open to new candidates applying to enter the inner circle.  Be warned however, you will be treated as guilty until proved innocent.  Thus is the nature of humankind it seems.

JPS I promise I will no longer act in bad faith.  This girl does not want to be humiliated twice.

Perpertrators remember I don't forget.

I also have a list.